Thinking Out Loud

Author: Chad Ossman

  • The New World

    The New World

    Why didn’t I know better? Although I stand apart from nearly all (it seems) critics and fellow cineastes, I disliked Terrence Malick’s Badlands, Days of Heaven, and Thin Red Line. And The New World is, of course, more of the same.

    The problem isn’t necessarily the pacing, although it is indeed punishingly slow. It’s partly the storytelling technique of mumbled interior monologues of inarticulate characters grappling with giant issues beyond their comprehension, in voiceover over admittedly gorgeous nature photography.

    Sample sequence from Thin Red Line: shot of stream running over eroded boulder. US Grunt: “Why… are… we… KILLIN’… each udder… in duh jungle…?” Shot of pelican. Repeat.

    And this was a screening of The New World Director’s Cut, with twenty additional minutes! Arrrrrgh.

  • Nine Songs

    Nine Songs

    Michael Winterbottom’s Nine Songs is explicit in more ways than one. Surprisingly, the theme is pretty much spelled out in voiceover in the first sequence: A man reflects on a past relationship in terms of concerts they went to together and the arc of their sexual life. I can only speak for myself, but those are exactly the kinds of mental landmarks that mark my past relationships.

  • Fantastic Four

    Fantastic Four

    Did they learn nothing from Spider-Man 2, clearly the pinnacle of the superhero genre (and I will fight a Marvel Team-Up with anybody that dares disagree with me)?

    Fantastic Four is an aggressively stupid series of one missed opportunity after another. It just narrowly escapes one star by making me laugh a handful of times.

    And another thing. Jessica Alba’s glasses don’t help her pull off a line like “The space cloud has fundamentally altered our DNA!”

  • Spam Poem No. 3: “General Flood”

    Spam Poem No. 3: “General Flood”

    Please enjoy “General Flood”, the third in our ongoing series of flarf (spam poetry), assembled from the nonsense I find in my spam folder.

    General Flood

    thank god I’m back now
    Important question
    did you hear about this
    general flood

    you won’t believe this
    bereavement
    entering the line of
    populations if left

    after flooding is
    it, Will it work out?
    conditions will be
    hard as nails

    A spell by ballistics
    shrewd may aim some
    hey girl gunfight uproarious
    Ten Minutes to Your Life

    if we’d had the time
    Save your house
    Get what you need
    plays on the small

  • Only in New York, Pt. II

    INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

    Crowded Upper East Side coffee shop. A older male patron enters and approaches a hipster with a laptop.

    PATRON:

    Excuse me, is this seat taken?

    HIPSTER:

    Uh, my friend is coming…

    PATRON:

    Well, don’t worry, I have a small ass which doesn’t take up too much room.

    And… scene.

  • King Kong (1933)

    King Kong (1933)

    The original 1933 King Kong gets points for being so drenched with subtext you can swim in it. But whenever Kong isn’t on screen it’s dreadful.

  • Only in New York, Pt. II

    INT: POST OFFICE – DAY

    A bustling morning at the Post Office.

    POSTAL EMPLOYEE:

    “Next!”

    A PATRON walks up to the counter.

    PATRON:

    “Christmas stamps, please.”

    POSTAL EMPLOYEE:

    “Do you want the religious or the other ones?”

    PATRON (with great conviction):

    “I am a Catholic!”

    And… scene.

  • Willfully Ignorant Design

    A profoundly depressing statistic from today’s New York Times:

    “According to a CBS News poll last month, 51 percent of Americans reject the theory of evolution, saying that God created humans in their present form. And reflecting a longstanding sentiment, 38 percent of Americans believe that creationism should be taught instead of evolution, according to an August poll by the Pew Research Center in Washington.”

    The New York Times

    Fifty. One. Percent. And yet, a voice of reason from the least expected source:

    “The Vatican has issued a stout defence of Charles Darwin, voicing strong criticism of Christian fundamentalists who reject his theory of evolution and interpret the biblical account of creation literally.”

    News.com.au

    My head is spinning. It used to be so easy to blame the old Italian guys in silk dresses for Western fundamentalism. We’re now officially living in an age when the Vatican is more rational than Bush, who believes “both sides” should be taught in schools.

  • Shaun of the Dead

    Shaun of the Dead

    For most of it, I thought for sure Shaun of the Dead was a four-starrer, but it lost its way at some point. I’m not sure exactly of the transition point, but I felt that the tone had changed too drastically by the time the characters were trapped in the pub (in other words, I had stopped laughing).

    Until that point, I was totally loving it, particularly a newscaster’s description of the zombies as “shambolic.” It became a bit nasty and grim (sons blowing their undead mum’s brains out), and then veered back to whimsy at the end. But all that said, it’s remarkable that despite all the humor, satire, and melodrama, it’s still an honest-to-goodness zombie movie.

    Did you spot the virtually wordless cameo by Arthur De- I mean, Martin Freeman?

  • Poser of the Day I

    Why does one say “sextuplets” or “sextuple”, but say “hexagon” instead of “sexagon”?