{"id":616,"date":"2008-02-11T22:33:13","date_gmt":"2008-02-12T03:33:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/2008\/02\/11\/the-9-worst-movies-i-saw-in-2007\/"},"modified":"2023-04-18T10:32:50","modified_gmt":"2023-04-18T14:32:50","slug":"the-9-worst-movies-i-saw-in-2007","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/the-9-worst-movies-i-saw-in-2007\/","title":{"rendered":"The 9 Worst Movies I Saw in 2007"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Just like <em><a href=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/elizabeth-the-golden-age\/\" data-type=\"post\" data-id=\"647\">Elizabeth: The Golden Age<\/a><\/em> and <em>Before Sunset<\/em>, it&#8217;s the sequel that no one asked for! After the warm fuzzies of yesterday&#8217;s list of the <a href=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/the-8-best-movies-i-saw-in-2007\/\">Best Movies I Saw in 2007<\/a>, it&#8217;s time for a little meanspirited snark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I might be committing professional suicide for publishing this list, for five out of nine of these movies may or may not have something in common (a something which could lead to the aforementioned professional suicide if revealed). So with a little judicious self-censorship, onward!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/cantante.jpg\" alt=\"\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">[Name of Latin Pop Star Biopic Withheld]<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>A new low in probably my most-hated film genre: the musical biopic. Once again, the life story of an important musician is told by filmmakers who obviously don&#8217;t care about the music and would much rather tell a story about drug addiction (and not only that, the <em>same<\/em> drug story every time: q.v. <em>Bird<\/em>, <em>Ray<\/em>, <em>Walk the Line<\/em>, etc.). Bladder-bustingly long, amateurishly over-edited, and the ostensible lead [name of hollow-cheeked latin pop star withheld] is shoved aside by [name of latina pop star famous for magnificent gluteus maximus withheld] as she tries to make it her story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/fantasticfour2.jpg\" alt=\"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.jpg\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Fantastic Four 2<\/em> somehow manages to be better than the original in many ways, and yet less funny (the original at least had humor on its side). Who cast <a href=\"http:\/\/www.imdb.com\/name\/nm0573037\/\">Mr. Whitebread<\/a> as <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Doctor_Doom\">Dr. Victor Von Doom<\/a>, the Eastern European dictator of Latveria?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/goldencompass.jpg\" alt=\"\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">[Name of First-Installment-in-Projected-Fantasy-Franchise Withheld]<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>The fantasy genre leaves me cold, so it was a minor miracle that Peter Jackson, Fran Walsh, and Philippa Boyens made three <em>Lord of the Rings<\/em> movies that could turn genre grumps like me into fans of elves, dwarves, and wizards. [name of movie company withheld] tried to recapture the magic with [name of first-installment-in-projected-fantasy-franchise withheld], but forgot the magic. Humorless, self-serious, and wastefully expensive, [name of first-installment-in-projected-fantasy-franchise withheld] is full of awkward shifts in tone (for a more kid-friendly movie than <em>Lord of the Rings<\/em>, it turns shockingly violent at one point) and spurious plot twists (the most annoying instance being when the king of all [name of large white arctic mammal withheld] pledges his life to a [name of annoying little girl withheld] with no evidence that she&#8217;s anything special).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/lastmimzy.jpg\" alt=\"\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">[Name of Woeful Time-Travelling Ecological Parable \/ Ostensible Children&#8217;s Film Withheld]<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>I pity the children for whom this will be one of their earliest moviegoing experiences. My generation had <em>E.T.<\/em> and <em>Time Bandits<\/em>. This one gets&#8230; lame Department of Homeland Security critiques and Intel-Inside bunnies? Oh, and let&#8217;s not forget the horrific song by [name of psychedelic rock dinosaur withheld]&#8230; could this be the man that cowrote [name of fifth best selling album of all time withheld]?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/number23.jpg\" alt=\"\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">[Name of Numerology-Themed Thriller Withheld]<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>A premise that could have been fun if not treated with such grim self-seriousness. Wannabe thriller directors would do well to remember that even <em>Se7en<\/em> and <em>Memento<\/em> had a little wit. Memo to [name of rubber-faced &amp; formerly overpaid actor withheld]: you proved you could branch out into dramatic roles that still played to your comedy skills in [name of underrated movie directed by Peter Weir withheld] and [name of masterpiece directed by Michel Gondry withheld]. How about some more of that, please?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/residentevilextinction.jpg\" alt=\"Resident Evil: Extinction\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Resident Evil: Extinction<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Not much I can say about this one. It&#8217;s on this list because I saw it and it&#8217;s bad, but I didn&#8217;t really get worked up over its badness as much as these others. The setup is actually not that bad, at least until the zombies attack&#8230; and attack&#8230; and attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/shootemup.jpg\" alt=\"\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">[Name of Mean-Spirited Action Flick Apparently Written by Committee Of 12-Year-Old-Boys Withheld]<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Porn for NRA-joining latent psychos who applaud when movie heroes shoot people. What on earth were [name of actor that reportedly turned down [name of famous fictional British spy franchise withheld] withheld] and [name of rightly revered character actor withheld] thinking when they signed on for this? <em>Hot Fuzz<\/em> is everything that this piece of shit is not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/spiderman3.jpg\" alt=\"Spider-Man 3\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Spider-Man 3<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>It pains me to list this movie here more than any other. <em>Spider-Man 2<\/em> was one of my favorite movies in recent years, and I frequently rant to friends about how it&#8217;s a paragon of what Hollywood ought to be doing: like <em>Lord of the Rings<\/em>, it&#8217;s a mass-market genre entertainment that thrills, entertains, and moves. So this mess of a sequel depressed me all out of proportion to its only mere badness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Transformers<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/transformers1.jpg\" alt=\"Transformers movie poster\"\/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Funny enough, it&#8217;s a pretty entertaining movie until the eponymous robots show up and start speaking, and shortly thereafter, fighting. Then it somehow becomes punishingly stupid, and considerably less fun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>Coming up next: <a href=\"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/the-10-most-disappointing-movies-i-saw-in-2007\/\" data-type=\"post\" data-id=\"627\">The 10 Most Disappointing Movies<\/a> I saw in 2007!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Just like Elizabeth: The Golden Age and Before Sunset, it&#8217;s the sequel that no one asked for! After the warm fuzzies of yesterday&#8217;s list of the Best Movies I Saw in 2007, it&#8217;s time for a little meanspirited snark. I might be committing professional suicide for publishing this list, for five out of nine of [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5603,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[1242,1243,1244,1245,1246,1247,1248],"class_list":["post-616","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-movies","tag-el-cantante","tag-fantastic-four","tag-golden-compass","tag-last-mimzy","tag-resident-evil","tag-spider-man","tag-transformers"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/spider-man-3.jpg","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pa9lhB-9W","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":606,"url":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/the-8-best-movies-i-saw-in-2007\/","url_meta":{"origin":616,"position":0},"title":"The 8 Best Movies I Saw in 2007","author":"Chad Ossman","date":"February 10, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"Followers of this blog (a statistic which I believe can be plotted on an arc approaching zero) may have noticed an accumulation of digital dust this past year. Indeed, I watched my own blog drop off the first page of Google results for my own name. Who's feeling lucky? A\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Movies&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Movies","link":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/category\/main-menu\/movies\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"The Orphanage","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/orphanage-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/orphanage-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/orphanage-1.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/orphanage-1.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/orphanage-1.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":627,"url":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/the-10-most-disappointing-movies-i-saw-in-2007\/","url_meta":{"origin":616,"position":1},"title":"The 10 Most Disappointing Movies I Saw in 2007","author":"Chad Ossman","date":"February 14, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"As I was compiling the best and worst movies I saw in 2007, I found I still had enough for a special category: movies that absolutely don't deserve to be called bad, even when it's just me here talking to myself on my stupid blog. But for one reason or\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Movies&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Movies","link":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/category\/main-menu\/movies\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Stardust","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/stardust-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/stardust-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/stardust-1.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/stardust-1.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/stardust-1.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":32,"url":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/kurt-courtney\/","url_meta":{"origin":616,"position":2},"title":"Nick Broomfield doesn&#8217;t know what to believe about Kurt Cobain in Kurt &#038; Courtney","author":"Chad Ossman","date":"September 9, 2005","format":false,"excerpt":"Kurt & Courtney is a documentary by Nick Broomfield about the controversy surrounding the apparent suicide of Kurt Cobain. Not yet knowing he himself will become part of the story, Broomfield holds his cards pretty close to his chest throughout. It's not until fairly late in the film that he\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;3 Stars&quot;","block_context":{"text":"3 Stars","link":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/category\/ratings\/3-stars\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Kurt & Courtney","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2005\/09\/kurt-courtney-feature.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2005\/09\/kurt-courtney-feature.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2005\/09\/kurt-courtney-feature.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2005\/09\/kurt-courtney-feature.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2005\/09\/kurt-courtney-feature.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":647,"url":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/elizabeth-the-golden-age\/","url_meta":{"origin":616,"position":3},"title":"Cate is great in Elizabeth: The Golden Age","author":"Chad Ossman","date":"February 8, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"I'll have to gang up with the general critical consensus around Elizabeth: The Golden Age, best summed up as: Cate Blanchett is astounding, as usual (yawn - the Academy Award nomination was virtually assured before the cameras rolled), but the movie is a disappointing sequel to a powerful original. Oh,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;3 Stars&quot;","block_context":{"text":"3 Stars","link":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/category\/ratings\/3-stars\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Elizabeth: The Golden Age","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/elizabeth-golden-age-feature.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/elizabeth-golden-age-feature.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/elizabeth-golden-age-feature.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/elizabeth-golden-age-feature.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/02\/elizabeth-golden-age-feature.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":685,"url":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/king-of-kong\/","url_meta":{"origin":616,"position":4},"title":"Kill Screen: Seth Gordon&#8217;s The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters","author":"Chad Ossman","date":"March 9, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"First, full disclosure: I work for the movie company that distributed The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. My miniscule role in marketing the film was limited to designing the official movie website, and I am under no obligation or prohibition to write this review (which happens to be\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;4 Stars&quot;","block_context":{"text":"4 Stars","link":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/category\/ratings\/4-stars\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/03\/king-of-kong-feature.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/03\/king-of-kong-feature.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/03\/king-of-kong-feature.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/03\/king-of-kong-feature.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2008\/03\/king-of-kong-feature.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":5712,"url":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/like-a-pizza-in-the-rain-jonathan-demmes-something-wild\/","url_meta":{"origin":616,"position":5},"title":"Like a pizza in the rain: Jonathan Demme&#8217;s Something Wild","author":"Chad Ossman","date":"August 10, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"???? You know you've graduated from Movie Buff into Old Movie Buff when you start saying \"they don't make movies like this any more\"... but what if they really don't make movies like this any more? Catching up on Jonathan Demme's filmography with Something Wild and Married to the Mob\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;4 Stars&quot;","block_context":{"text":"4 Stars","link":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/category\/ratings\/4-stars\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Jeff Daniels and Melanie Griffith in Something Wild","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/something-wild.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/something-wild.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/something-wild.jpg?resize=525%2C300&ssl=1 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/something-wild.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/09\/something-wild.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=616"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8583,"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616\/revisions\/8583"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5603"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadossman.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}